Friday, February 08, 2002

I'm listening to "Belle," from the Beauty and the Beast Soundtrack, and thanks to the miracle of two working speakers I'm listening to it without headphones and the benefit of my subwoofer. That is, in my opinion as an actor-singer, one of the best songs of all time. And Belle herself is just so sexy ... she's a nerd who loves fantasy, for goodness' sake! How many Disney princesses can say that? That's right, only her.

Listening to music like this makes me wish I was living in Belle's town, in Belle's time, when everything was a little brighter than it is today and the world worked a little better. A very Greek sentiment, that: as Prof. Morris put it, the Greeks generally thought that everything was great just a generation or two ago, but now it's all going to hell in a handbasket. Well, I know that's not true, and I don't actually wish I was living in any time period other than the one I'm living in. But sometimes it sure seems like the past was better. That is one of the alluring things about fantasy: the longing for a time when people were little nobler, life was a little simpler, things were a little better.

Which brings me back, for the third post in a row, to the subject of my dear Blue Rose. I think she would probably appreciate it if I mentioned that I misconstrued her statement about flirting: the more flirtatious I got the less attractive she found the flirting, which was more or less contemporary with her declining level of attractedness to me, but there's not some sort of cause-effect relationship there. Now of course that's still a little disappointing, like sending somebody a fruitcake every Christmas for ten years because you thought they really liked fruitcakes and they just didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you they don't, or something. But I should also point out, both to you and to me, that apparently "attractive" means different things in Rose and Natalie. The Rosean sense seems to be something along the lines of "desirable as a romantic partner." The Natalian sense is closer to kalós (I hate it when people give words in foreign languages without telling you where the accent falls, so all of my Greek transliterations will include an accent marking): not only desirable as a romantic partner, but also good\\excellent\\noble. Yet another example of me not speaking Rose and her not speaking Natalie.

If you read between the lines there you'll have picked up that, according to her, she still finds me an admirable\\likeable individual. And I meant what I said when I called her my dear Blue Rose. So, you ask, why are we so estranged? I don't know precisely, actually. But the dialect problem points up an instance which may give us a clue: Rose has been feeling down for a while now, and naturally I want to love//support her. But I don't know how to do that. When I'm hurting what're the things in the world I most want from my friends? To snuggle//be held, to sing//act, to talk about roleplaying or stories that stand for better days. That's how I prefer people to say "I know you're hurting. I'm here for you" to me. But I don't know how to say that in Rose, and when I ask if there's anything I can do the answer is generally "no." Which is very frustrating because I feel certain that there's something I could be doing; I just don't know what it is - heck, she even seems uncomfortable praying with me. What about just being in proximity, like Violet used to do? Well, that's a possibility, but somehow I don't think it would be the same thing to her.

Now I shouldn't give you the impression that all the problems are on her end; that's definitely not true. I'm sure she could give you a more comprehensive account of the ways that I've been obstructionist or unloving than I can, but the most obvious example that springs to my mind is ignoring her when she comes to visit. Now of course sometimes that's because I can't think of anything to say, but honestly, that's no excuse to not stop trying. And let's not forget instances like when she and Simba were talking about musical stuff that was way over my head, and when she realized that she suggested we three start waltzing together (well, I mean, taking turns). That was extremely sweet of her. Why can't we have more encounters like that?

And that, I suspect, really does hold the answer. As Mother in her psychiatric nursing wisdom pointed out, so long as we continue to relate to each other in contexts that call to mind last year, of course we're going to feel awkward. Whatever we in our blithely self-assured collegiate youth may think about how over each other we are, the reality of the situation is that we need to form a new friendship relationship. Which has to be done in new contexts, or else the old ones are going to keep sabotaging the work. Why wasn't it painful to waltz together? In part, no doubt, because our waltzing together is removed from last year (since we only learned how last quarter). And partly by Simba's presence as well, no doubt.

All of this brings me back to the liner notes committee, which both Blue Rose and I are on. The Sweatshirt Girl suggested that if in fact Mother is correct in her diagnosis of the problem (and I suspect that she is) the liner notes committee is an obvious candidate for working together in a new context. And as an added bonus, the CD is something bigger than ourselves for people other than ourselves. I have always found that when people come together to pour out their lives for others - that is, to perform - they come away the better for it, and the closer to each other. I hope that this may be true of my Blue Rose and I as well.

Why am I so bent on this? Why not just say forget it, there are other fish in the sea, one girl's friendship shouldn't matter that much? A couple of reasons. One, because this isn't just any girl. I firmly believe that my Blue Rose is the latest in a long line of girls stretching back even past the Dragon Girls whom God has brought into my life as an instrument to shape me more into who I am supposed to be. Two, because I also firmly believe that this disconnect between us is more than just the results of a prolonged breakup, that there is demonic activity here exacerbating the problem and seeking to deceive both of us into believing that the problem is so big that it's insurmountable. In Phoenix Earth the Order of the Ivory Crown spent centuries studying the asil and uvore without figuring out that there was a difference between the two, or that human beings could confront them. But here in the 21st century we know better, and I am absolutely not giving up my relationship with my beloved Blue Rose to the enemy.

And why am I writing all this? Again, two reasons. One, it's on my mind, and what is this thing for if not to post what's on my mind? Two, because I know she reads this, and I want her to know where I'm coming from next time I ask if there's anything I can do, and when I suggest that the liner notes committee get together.

No comments: